The site that dares to ask the question: "Why does Hawaii have interstate
highways?"
Hula Hooplah!
Way More Information Than You Ever Needed About
Modern History of Hula
Originally, only men were allowed to dance the hula, a ritualistic
pantomime performed only at temple worship ceremonies. The idea was
that pantomiming an event, such as a volcano exploding, would keep it from
happening. Before the Protestant missionaries arrived to grab the land,
island girls didn't wear underpants, and hula was performed in the buff.
Not only did the missionaries make the girls put on underpants, they also
tried to abolish the hula altogether. Though banned by royal decree in 1825,
hula dancing continued to be performed in secret. Archaeologists aren't sure
whether or not underpants were worn.
 |
With the advent of statehood, hula was re-invented as an icon of Hawaiian
culture and the centerpiece of hotel buffet entertainment. Over time, dance
steps introduced by foreigners became incorporated into the hula. One step,a
sideward kick called the "Ku'i Step" was said to have originated when a Hawaiian
woman wearing a long European gown improvised the step to keep from tripping
on her gown. (Either that, or she was working the audience for
tips.)
|
CPR Hula
The Honolulu Emergency Medical Services agency has authored a lively
mele (song) and hula called the "Ka'a Malama Ola No CPR Hula," demonstrating
the basic procedure of Adult One Rescuer Cardio Pulminary Resuscitation.
Ka'a Málama Ola, the Hawaiian term for ambulance, literally
means "car that preserves life." Incorporating traditional hula movements
and "creative choreography," the CPR Hula demonstrates opening an airway,
breathing for the patient, and pumping the chest. (The victim's chest,
in case you were momentarily confused.)
World's Largest Hula
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the world's largest
hula performance was the 1998 Aloha Festival Waikiki Hula, in which over
3,500 dancers danced on Waikiki Beach. (Leading to the infamous
Crepe-Paper-Skirt Shortage of 1999.)
Hula Hoop
Reportedly the most popular American toy ever made, the Hula Hoop
was patented by Richard Knerr and Arthur "Spud" Melin.
 |
Wham-O, which introduced the hoops in 1958, sold over 100 million
of them worldwide. Allegedly, the plastic tubing used for all the Hula Hoop
ever produced would stretch around the Earth more than five times. Though
wildly popular in the USA, Japan banned the Hula Hoop as indecent and immoral.
The Soviet Union proclaimed it "an example of the emptiness of American culture."
(Apparently, 'Ozzie and Harriet' wasn't telecast in the Soviet Union..)
|
How to make a Hula Hoop cocktail
Ingredients:
- 2 oz Gin
- 1 oz Orange Juice
- 1/2 oz Pineapple Juice
- Garnish: Cherry
Glassware : Cocktail Glass
Shake all the ingredients in a shaker with ice and strain into a cocktail
glass. Garnish with cherry.
Recipe for Hula Pie
1. Bring 4 oz chocolate fudge ice cream topping to room temperature
2. Crush 6 oz macademia nuts
3. Scoop 1 gallon vanilla bean ice cream into bowl and mix in crushed macademia
nuts.
4. Scoop ice cream mixture into chocolate cookie crumb pie shell, smoothing
into 6" mound.
5. Dilute chocolate topping with milk and spread over mounded ice cream.
6. Place in freezer until ready to serve
Hula Cultural Iconography
 |
Spring action hula girl comes with foam double-stick tape to instantly
adhere to any surface. Skirt made of plastic grass, in green, red or
yellow. |
 |
Rubber squeaky hula girl attaches to bicycle handlebar frame. (Required
paraphernalia for Ironman competition.) All hardware included. |
 |
Hula Motion Lamp cast in polyresin uses a 40 watt bulb. Switch under
skirt activates the hip-swaying hula motion, powered by one AA battery.
|
 |
Bobbing head plastic dashboard ornament partially obscures any windshield.
Powered by driving over potholes and traffic islands. |
"Can you say 'insulting racial stereotype', boys and
girls?"
Top Things Not to Do on the Big
Island
There are plenty of resources telling you about all the wonderful
things to do while visiting Hawaii Island. Pick up any travel guide, brochure,
rent-a-car map, or activity coupon booklet and you'll find hundreds of ways
to pack your vacation with entertaining pastimes, spend all your cash, and
max out your credit cards. What nobody tells you about are the things
not to do on your vacation. Nobody, that is, but DaKine!, the site
that dares to ask the question: When they ate Captain Cook, was he Extra
Crispy or Original Recipe?
 Get steamed to death
while lava-walking. Been a spate of this lately. People walking along a hot
lava bed when suddenly it starts to rain. Unfortunately, their blood boils
faster than they can whip their sauna towels out of their backpacks. Really
puts a damper on the ol' vacation.
Crash and burn on a
narrow bridge on the road to Hilo. A favorite pastime of tourists and kama'aina
alike. Not smart to try passing four cars and a semi all at once on a two-lane
horseshoe-shaped bridge. What's the hurry? Hilo's not going anywhere. Trust
me.
Drive off a cliff.
You can manage this all around the island. Though we can't be sure, most
people who do this are probably watching the ocean instead of the road, which
is about to curve sharply in front of them. This is also a bit of a vacation
bummer. Not only do you die, but your relatives have to pay to have your
sundry remaining body parts excavated from the ocean. Unless, of course,
you stiffed them in your will, in which case, "sleep with the fishes,
paisan!"
Poison yourself. This
one is highly avoidable, usually, excepting those occasional outbreaks of
salmonella and hepatitis at the hotel restaurants. No matter how hungry you
may be, or how tasty an authentic "sashimi taco" may sound, best not to tempt
fate if you happen to catch the server or fry cook picking his nose, or any
other bodily orifice, behind the counter. Same goes if the "sushi" is green,
purple, brown, or blue.
Feed the restaurant
kitty. You might think it's adorable that someone was considerate enough
to abandon their precious meow-meow in the trash can behind the local restaurant,
instead of the nearest landfill, as most people do. While you're tossing
table scraps on the floor and giggling as you look around guiltily, 10 million
microscopic kitty hairs laden with fecal and urinary bacteria are wafting
through the air onto your plate. The next day, you wonder how you could have
contracted amoebic dysentary from a Caesar's salad.
Drown in the ocean
or hotel pool. Happens every year, usually to people who can't swim. Don't
ask me why someone who can't swim goes out in water deep enough to drown
in. In this category, we might want to include "get run over by a jet ski"
or "get chopped up by a boat propellor." Technically, the coroner will put
down "drowned" on your death certificate, but the worse part obviously happens
before you get to that point.
Get run over by a jacked-up
pickup truck on oversize wheels. This happens to people in cars as well as
riding bicycles or strolling along the road. Obviously, the guy driving the
thing doesn't have a life, so he doesn't much care if he deprives you of
yours. The best way to avoid this experience is to hurl a rock at the driver's
head through the open window, hoping he'll lose consciousness and drive off
the bridge.
Get shot, stabbed,
or clubbed to death. This is sometimes avoidable, by pretending not
to notice if you happen to spot someone beating his wife, smashing the side
window of a rental car, or hurling an empty vodka bottle at a store window.
Occasionally, it works if you just pretend you don't speak the language and
say something foreign-sounding -- like, for example: "nee pazhalsta
stootcom!" -- while smiling like a loon, and then run like hell.
Crash into the ocean
in a helicopter or small plane. From time to time, one of those flying tour
guys goes down and everyone has to be fished out of the water. This is usually
out of your control, unless, of course, you're trying to distract the pilot
or get him drunk. In which case, you could probably do with a little cold
water dunk.
Get murdered and then
have your body chopped up and your bones boiled and passed around the island
for everone to have a gnaw. Actually, this hasn't happened all that much
since it happened to Captain Cook, who, if he had only read DaKine!, wouldn't
be in the shape he's in today. He'd still be dead, of course, but more or
less in one piece.
Nailing Down the Big Island
When Captain Cook first arrived, the girls didn't wear clothes. It
was easy, that way, to decide what to wear every morning. Nothing. Well,
there was always a flower to pick out for behind the ear. "Let's see, should
I wear the white plumeria or the pink hibiscus? Honey, which one makes me
look thinner?"
The ship's crew immediately began trading with the locals. The most
popular trade, according to the ship's log, was "the world's oldest trade."
The price for a tumble in the taro patch with a fun-loving wahine was a two-penny
nail. The locals liked nails because they made cool fishhooks. So, when a
wahine asked her hubbie, "honey, do you like my nails?" she meant she'd spent
the afternoon schmoozing up to the barbarians. Actually, the locals thought
the barbarians were gods-- at least until they found out English guys have
such little weenies. Meanwhile, as reported in the ship's log, the sailors
were busy prying loose every nail on the boat. This led to a somewhat propitious
(for the sailors) delay in port.
As a parting gift, the sailors gave the Hawaiians a big case. Mainly
a big case of syphilis. The first of many generous European contributions
to the isles.
Exclusive!
The legislature recently passed a statute requiring all prospective
visitors to pass an examination on Hawaiian society and culture, before being
allowed entry into the islands. Da Kine! has obtained an advance copy
of the exam, which is presented forthwith for the edification of all.
Hawaii State Entry Examination
1. Native Hawaiians refer to themselves as __.
a. Kanaka Maoli
b. Guaca Maoli
c. Haole Maoli
d. Whachu Lookinnat
2. The goal of Hawaiian Sovereignty is __.
a. independent tribal status for native islanders
b. a chain of sovereigneer shops around the islands
c. a recount of ballots with dangling chads in the 1959 vote
for statehood
d. conversion of state forest lands into theme parks and
casinos
3. Unlike educational institutions in other states, the University
of Hawaii is
directly run by __.
a. state government bureaucrats
b. Starwood Hotels and Resorts
c. Adolph Coors Breweries
d. Party Supplies International
4. A shaka gesture is made by __.
a. forming a fist and extending the thumb and pinkie
b. placing the forefinger of each hand on both sides of the
nasal septum
c. inserting the forefinger of each hand in both ears
d. placing one hand over the eyes and the other hand over the
mouth
5. A Malasada is a __.
a. spicy Portuguese-style donut with no hole
b. native of the island of Malasa
c. musical instrument similar to a ukelele, played with the
toes
d. bird species driven to extinction for its feathers, valued
by Hawaiians for
use in slap-and-tickle rituals.
6. Ku is the Hawaiian name for __.
a. the patron god of war
b. Captain Cook
c. a tiny yellow bird represented in ku ku clocks
d. brain, as in the slang expression "ku-less"
7. Olawalu was the site where __.
a. hundreds of Hawaiians were massacred by an American
trading ship
b. the first slurpee stand opened in Hawaii
c. Elvis was last sighted, lying on a beach with Princess Di
d. Al Jolson recorded "Yaaka Hula Hickey Dula"
8. Kamehameha was able to conquer all the islands by __.
a. kissing up to the British
b. obtaining the franchise rights to Macdonald's
c. nuking Honolulu
d. his flashing wit and charm
9. In Hawaii, conservation refers to __.
a. the bribing of public officials to obtain a permit
to develop a resort
community and golf course on protected land
b. the bribing of forestry officials to obtain a permit to
clearcut a state forest
c. the use of whales in the wild as test animals for oceanic
sonar experiments
by the Navy
d. the use of living green sea turtles as amusement rides by
party boat
operators
10. An imu is __.
a. a hole in the ground used for roasting a pig
b. a large, flightless fowl similar to an ostrich
c. a theater with a huge movie screen where you can watch
a 45-minute film
for twice the price of a regular movie
d. the sound made by a Hawaiian cow
Hey, just kidding! Lighten up, I'm working for free, here!
Copyright (c) 2001, BigIsland-Online.com |
